I Wanna Grow Wings and Fly Away
by MoneButterfly
Summary: One shot - "Agent Prentiss has told me many times that this wasn't my fault... Where is she now? I need her here with me now to tell me this isn't a good idea, even though I can't see why." A rape victim on the edge.


I Wanna Grow Wings and Fly Away

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><p>I'm on top of the hospital, sitting on the edge of the low brick wall. I look down. Everyone seems so small from up here. I have been missing from my room for at least an hour, but no one has yet to notice that I'm gone and I'm thankful for that. It gives me time to think things over and make sure that what I'm about to do is really what I want.<p>

I'm not the type of person who says, "No," to others. I want to please everyone, make them happy, but this time I said, "No," and there wasn't anyone there to hear me. Agent Prentiss has told me many times that this wasn't my fault, but she also told me that she wouldn't leave me. Where is she now? Probably out trying to catch the man who raped me and five other women, but I need her here with me now to tell me this isn't a good idea, even though I can't see why.

I know I'm clinging to Emily and that I haven't even known her for 72 hours yet. She says she doesn't mind, but I don't believe her. I know that the call I made to her late last night in panic annoyed her. I now she doesn't get much sleep, that there isn't time for it and then I go and wake her just because I saw a shadow outside my room. But I like her. She is pretty and smart and so kind, but she is also fragile. I can feel it, even see it in her eyes. There is something about her that makes me feel like she can relate to how it feels to be a victim. But I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to feel like this – broken, fragile, helpless. It has now been 6 months since I was raped and I have tried group therapy, counseling, hotlines, but I feel no different than before.

You would think a hospital would keep a better eye on their patients, at least their psych patients. But then again, they don't know I'm suicidal. All they see when they look at me is a person who used to have shiny green eyes, beautiful long blonde hair and a big smile on her face. Now I look more like a 14 year-old girl than the 27 year-old woman I am.

I'm eating more now and look a bit more like a human being. Still, Agent Morgan had a hard time looking at me when he and Emily came to the hospital to interview me the first. He hasn't been back to see me since, and whenever they had needed to ask me something now about the rape, Emily has either come alone or with the blonde agent, who I don't remember the name of. I think it begins with a "J". I don't like it when she comes, because she reminds me too much of who I used to be and I know I can never go back to being that person again.

I wanna grow wings and fly away. I have told Emily this and it seemed liked she understood. That was when we went from being Miss Blaine and Agent Prentiss to Erika and Emily. A part of me wishes that she was here now, so I can thank her for trying to help me, for spending so much time with me even though she doesn't really know me. But it's like a part of me keeps forgetting that what Emily is doing is helping me or at least trying to help me, because all I do is try to please her by saying the things I know she wants to hear. So I lie to her. I tell her that I'm fine, that I'm doing better even though that isn't the case and that what I really need is someone to hold me tight and tell me everything will be alright soon.

I have decided now. I lean forward a little and look down at the ground below. 'How much will it hurt when I land?' 'Will I even notice it when my body hits the sidewalk?' 'How fast will I fall?' 'Why do I even care?' I laugh out loud of my stupid questions and get to my feet slowly. I stretch my arms to the side and I turn me head towards the shy. I smile when I feel the sun's warmth on my face. What a beautiful day to die.

"Erika?"

I drop my head to my chest and let my arms fall back down. "Go away Emily."

"Please don't do this!" Emily sounds desperate and there is a thickness in her voice that tells me she is about to cry. It's breaking my heart. "Erika?"

"You should go now." I don't want her here when I jump and for a moment I wonder how she even knew I would be here, but she is a profiler and trained to know things like this.

"I promise you things will get better," Emily says and I can hear her walking closer to me. I don't know how close or how far away she is from me, but I know that she can't be that far from me, because I can hear her sniffling.  
>"Look at me!"<p>

I don't. I know looking at her tear-filled eyes and sad face will make me change my mind, but I know it will only be for a moment. And when I'm back in my room with a nurse watching my every move I will hate myself for not jumping when I had the chance. "I'm sorry Emily"

"No!"

I can hear her running steps behind me, but I just stretch my arms to the side, making them the wings I have been longing for and lean forward.


End file.
